


Ein Vampir Kann Nicht Furzeln

by Lamia of the Dark (VisceraNight)



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, fart jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 07:44:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17076212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisceraNight/pseuds/Lamia%20of%20the%20Dark
Summary: Millennium shenanigans. Dok just wants to do his research, but the kids are fighting... about farts.





	Ein Vampir Kann Nicht Furzeln

~ Ein Vampir Kann Nicht Furzeln ~

Dok was peacefully vivisecting his latest specimen when Rip burst into his lab, disrupting his research.

She clutched onto his arm, heedless of the blood splattered all over the sleeve of his lab coat, and pleaded with teary eyes, "Dok! Tell Schrodinger that vampires can't fart!"

She pointed to the doorway, where the cat boy was slyly peeking into the room, with only his ears visible to those inside the room.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Dok attempted to shake off Rip's grip on his arm. It didn't work.

"Being undead, a vampire's digestive system no longer functions as a living creature's would," the doctor explained. "So, no, vampires do not need to pass gas." Rip shot the cat boy a gloating grin, which faded as Dok continued: "However, that's not to say that a vampire  _couldn't_  voluntarily perform that particular bodily function if they wanted to."

"Ha! So it's not impossible," Schrodinger said triumphantly. Then he turned around and wagged his butt at vampire while taunting her. " _Ripped One Stinkle!_ " He waved his butt around once more for emphasis, then took off running and laughing.

Dok expected Rip to chase after Schrodinger, or at least that's the reaction he would have preferred her to have. However, what she actually did was burst into tears and whine about how mean the cat boy was, all while still clinging to the doctor's arm.

"There, there. Don't cry. He's just a child, I'm sure he didn't mean it," Dok said, although his attempt to comfort her was not very convincing. He really just wanted her to let go of his arm so he could continue his research. He wouldn't even mind terribly much if she didn't actually  _go away and leave him alone_ , as long as he could get back to work.

Just as he was considering asking her to let go of his arm, another distraction wandered into the lab.

It was the Captain, and he handed Dok a note which read:  _I think there were too many beans in the meal at lunch. Is there anything you can do about this?_

"Is there anything I can do about wha-"

But he didn't get to finish his sentence before the exact problem made itself heard... and smelled.

"AH!" Rip yelled, pointing at the Captain. "It's you!  _You're_  the farter!"

The werewolf nodded sadly.

Dok tried to extract his arm from the vampire's grip once more, but even one-handed, she was far too strong for him.

"Maybe I can help you,  _if Rip lets go of my arm_ ," he snapped.

As the werewolf experienced another unfortunate gas leak, the vampire happily dropped her hold on the doctor and made a hasty exit.

~end~


End file.
